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  • Julie Orrell

So should I get married?

Should I, shouldn’t I? Is marriage important? Is marriage all about the wedding? Is marriage just for a certain generation of people? Is marriage traditionalism and do we need to conform? Why should we get married?

If you are asking yourself any of the above questions, then it’s not the right time. Much as you may love your partner, if you do not believe in marriage then it’s not right, but also if you are getting married for any other reasons besides love is that right too?

Some people for instance choose to get married to support themselves financially through for instance tax benefits, but again is that right? In the long term, will you regret marrying someone because it seemed right to get yourselves into a better more secure position?

Some people get married due to religious reasons – this is a difficult subject and not being knowledgeable of all religions I will leave this one with just one thought – is it right to marry without love? Perhaps so…

Is it right to marry when you have been together so long and although the relationship is becoming stagnant, you believe that it is the right thing to do, to perhaps ignite that initial spark in the relationship? Remember for most people the initial excitement of a new relationship does not have any longevity – instead it is often replaced with a deeper love through mutual respect, likeness and understanding of the other person. If your relationship is stagnant before marriage, will it be any different once you are married?

Some people when they marry do feel an element of security – those that have worried that their partner may wander, look for someone new, see if the grass really is greener, suddenly find themselves in a position where they think to themselves he or she must really love me after all they asked me to marry them, they are willing to commit to me for the rest of their lives.

The commitment is an important point – should I get married if I view marriage as something I could try out, but then divorce if it doesn’t work out? It’s not as easy as that – and do you want to be tied into a relationship that you are not happy with? Why test the water through marriage when you could do this by for instance sharing a home?

For some people, the marriage is all about the wedding – it’s about showing their friends and family what they have, what they can plan, how amazing a party they can organise. If one person has a certain type of wedding, the next wants something bigger and better. But is that right? Why are people competing? Does it really matter what other people think? Should you not be getting married because you want to spend the rest of your lives together? Yes for many it is important to share the moment – and that is truly special, but for me the most special weddings are those where I can see that the couple really do love each other, that it doesn’t matter what they have on the day the important thing is that they say their vows together. The most heartfelt speeches are the ones that touch me – not the ones that are copied from the internet, but the ones where an individual explains why he or she chose their other half, why they have chosen to spend their lives together.

Some people believe marriage will make any problems go away – it really won’t, certainly not in the long term. If you have problems in the relationship before you get married, they will still be there as soon as the honeymoon period is over, but now you’re likely to feel even more pressure. The things that used to annoy you may annoy you more. So make sure that you sort through any issues before you marry. Take time to discuss things that worry you, upset you, annoy and frustrate you…be honest and open with each other. A marriage based on honesty is much more long standing than one based on lies and fabrication of the better life.

Getting married for me should be about ‘love’, choosing to spend the rest of your lives with someone; showing your family and friends and each other how much you truly care; building a relationship based on trust and respect; becoming a team – supporting each other through the good and bad times; being there for each other even if you don’t always agree; having time to actively listen; to feel secure and to worry less – to realise that they really have chosen you because they love you; to feel that above all else…you have a friend, a partner who will always be there for you.

My husband and I talk about conditional and unconditional love – my love for my children is unconditional as I would support them no matter what as I gave birth to them, however, my love for my husband is conditional – why? Because it’s conditional on both of us feeling love for each other, both of us enjoying our time together, both of us being faithful, both of us being present in our marriage….both of us….marriage is about both of you – a partnership.

So should you get married? I don’t know…only you can answer that question….but if you do, for all the right reasons, it will be the most amazing thing you have done.

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